because of you

My little Noah. Today I raised my voice at you. The first time in months and that’s the honest truth because I don’t want to be that person. The person I grew up with. But it happened this morning because you asked for your waffle by pointing to the toaster and I said “it’s in there cutie” and then you yelled and I said “it’s cooking just a minute” and you screamed some more and hit your head on the counter and I shouted “enough!”

You fell to the floor, alligator tears rolling down your cheeks, the same happening to me—because I don’t mean to loose my patience with you Noah, not ever. It’s not your fault that you can’t tell me and it’s not your fault things are harder for you to understand.

Just the other day you sat next to me and you said something. Actually tried to say something, you weren’t referencing a show you were watching, it was something on its own. And when I just tickled you, you tried again and my heart broke into a million pieces because for the first time you wanted to tell me something, but I didn’t have the slightest idea as to what it was. Not a clue. And I know that isn’t fair Noah, it isn’t, for either of us.

Some days I just feel so lost little one, as I’m sure you do too. Autism is such a mystery. Even to the doctors too because it’s not like I have one answer on how to help you. On how to make life easier for you. And truth be told if I try to hard some people think that’s not okay, they say that means I don’t accept you or love you for who you are.

But Noah, I’ve never loved anything more in my whole entire life than you. Not ever. And I will do everything and anything I can to give you what you deserve. Because you deserve it all. You deserve an anxiety free mind, you deserve a calm body and you deserve a voice.

Communication is a basic human right and sometimes I worry we haven’t tried hard enough for you. Maybe we should have tried sign language more or PECS—we’re working on getting you an iPad so you can use that as your voice but what if it’s not enough.

I’m just sorry little one. I’m sorry I don’t have all the answers. I’m sorry some days I fall short. And I’m sorry some days autism wins.

And they say God or the universe or whoever, only gives special kids to special parents. I don’t really believe that Noah, I think things just happen in life. But what I do believe is God gives us the strength to overcome the challenges we face if we let Him.

And I see you still standing beautiful boy. You show up everyday and give it your all despite how hard it is. I see the strength in you Noah, and that’s how I know we’re going to be okay. We’re going to make it because of you.