what about more

Are you going to have {more} kids?!

The infamous question that too many of us get. If people only knew all the layers that come into play when planning your family. It's not like the good ol' days where Johnny just winked at Suzy and then she popped out five kids. Or where childhood diseases and disabilities weren't increasing at an astronomically alarming rate. Infertility affects six million women in the United States, and unfortunately, I can't even tell you the number of 'sick' kids there are, it's too many. And for us, both of these things have greatly impacted our desire to grow our family.

And it sucks. I know I'm probably not supposed to say that or feel that, but it does, plain and simple. Most of us have dreams and ideas of what our family will look like. And for a lot of us, family is everything. So when life makes it harder for you to make that dream a reality, sometimes you can feel yourself slowly slipping down that hole.. And sometimes you wonder if the reasons you want more children are considered selfish? I tend to not think so.. but still, I wonder.

Having a sibling for Noah most importantly means having someone there for him when we are gone. Bold statement, but honest. And thinking about this gets me real emotional. Because while Noah is only three, I don't know what his future holds. And there are many autistic adults that still solely depend on their parents & caregivers. One day, Adam and I will no longer be here. And what if, Noah's alone. While I do have an incredible & supportive family that would take care of Noah in a heartbeat if anything happened to either Adam or I.. they are our ages or older. So as an autism parent.. what if? That worry is enough to keep you up at night. And do you solely have more kids when you have a disabled one to expect them to care for their sibling? Absolutely not. But you hope. You hope that sibling love & bond will be unbreakable, and that they would care for each other if needed.

Having another little one also gives us {mom & dad} a chance at the typical experiences of childhood. Most kids like nursery rhymes and like learning, right? I wouldn't really know, but that's what I've heard and read. I know those are things I looked forward to when pregnant with Noah. And don't for a second think the kid I have is anything less than perfect in my eyes, he is. But I guess I just wonder what it's 'supposed' to be like. Maybe that's selfish?

And then there is always that realistic fear if you do have another child, will they be on the spectrum as well. Don't get me wrong, a child is a blessing. But I only know one perspective, and I can't down play how hard raising Noah is. So the possibility of having another child with autism, {or insert any of the numerous things affecting kids nowadays} is paralyzing. And I think rightfully so.

I know everything happens for a reason, I try wholeheartedly to believe in that, I really do.. but right now, I'm having a hard time seeing it that way. And unfortunately, I know I'm not the only one affected by these things. So maybe by me sharing, I can reach down that hole and help pull someone up & out of there. Someone who is going through the same exact things when they thought it was only them.. it's not, you're not alone, and you never will be.