a birthday letter to my son

My dearest Noah,

Today you are three, and I really can't believe it buddy! In a way time has flown by, like it always does. But these last couple years have also felt like the longest of my life. I'm not going to sugar coat it little one. It's been tough. Most parents feel a little sad as their kid ages, like their baby is growing up too fast. That's really not our case, kid. See, you have autism. And in a very simplified explanation--every single thing in life is harder for you. Not fair, I know.

You need to be taught everything. Not a whole lot comes natural to you like it does for most. You need extra help so you spend days filled with hours of therapy and school. And you take supplements and have a special diet so your tummy doesn't hurt.

Our progress with you moves pretty slow with you buddy, unbearably slow sometimes.

I worry for you my little love. All the time. Because a future with autism is so unknown. That's hard for a mama. I try to not let you see my worries, and for the most part, you don't. I hope you see someone who would do anything for you. And loves you beyond comprehension-able measures.

But there are those times you do see mama cry. I can't always hide it, but I don't really worry too much my love because you don't even notice. You might not even understand that mama is upset. Sometimes, that realization hurts even more.

I want you to know, I'm getting better at this whole being your mama thing though. Because this time last year, I was not in a good place. That's when the realness of your autism really set in. But I have made a lot of progress in the acceptance department since then. We're still working on the forever part, but we'll get there.

I need you to know something Noah. That none of the sad days, the hard days, or the lonely days are because of you my sweet boy. You are perfect. The world unfortunately isn't. It's not really made for those with autism. It's getting better, but we still have a long way to go. That's why mama works so hard to teach people about you. Because you're more than autism. You're just a happy little boy who loves life. You work harder than anyone I know. Through all the difficulties you've been given. You show up every single day, and I would like to celebrate you Noah, and the accomplishments you've made this year.

You go to preschool buddy! I drop you off and you stay there without mom. You are rocking it and I actually can say you enjoy it! That makes mama so proud. You finally come to me when you are hurt or upset. You don't know how long I've waited for that. When daddy comes home from work, you don't hide anymore. You light up and go running towards the door to see him. That makes daddy happier than you'll ever know.

Just the other day, daddy told you 'no,' which may I add never happens, and you got so upset and ran to me with your arms up like 'save me!' It made daddy and I laugh so hard. You gave us a little taste of normalcy, and it is something I will never forget.

You have been enjoying playing play doh with mama lately. It doesn't last long, and you try to eat it more times than I can comprehend. But, we're doing our first activity together. And it's the absolute best. Lastly, and my favorite of all--you've just learned how to give me kisses! This might the biggest win we've ever had.

Noah, you amaze me. I know it's not easy being you, but you shine, always. You are the bravest little boy I know and you inspire so many. So I'd like to thank you, Noah. Thank you for making me not only a mama, but a humbled one. Happy third birthday my love. I can't wait to see what this year has in store for you! ️